Wednesday, August 23, 2017

[ Yesterday's  TDL  grade:  Incomplete ]
Today's w8:   238

Yesterday was not a Red Letter Day.  It started out as if it could have been so, but somewhere along the way it made a 180 degree turn.

I have a tendency to feel ashamed because of this, but another side of me, [esp. after reading your responses to yesterday's post ] feels a bit more sympathetic to what's happened in the past four months.  For now, I'll go with the 2nd of those two "feelings".  For now.

Of course one of my biggest concerns is that I will use the health challenges as an excuse and not ever get back to where I want to be.  I cannot let that happen.  Cannot and will not.

This latest deal with the kidney stone has brought its own challenges, not the least of which one needs to visit the toilet a LOT.  I have spent most of the past few nights on the sofa so as not to constantly disturb MJ with my getting up and down ALL night.  [ Seriously, it occurs every 30 - 75 minutes.]  Once MJ was up at 5:15a.m. I went to BED and rested until 6:30a.m. ]

Yesterday I also attempted to cut back on the pain meds, which is good, but might have cut back too far.  Today I am increasing them again  slightly.  Pain is so tiring.  

Today my TDL looks more like this:
Am not declaring the 4th item will occur, but the rest is already transpiring.  Of course I will do the first couple of items on my regular TDL = Bible, devotions and prayers, those are of utmost importance.

Tomorrow includes a morning Dr.'s appt. as well as an afternoon Dr.s appt.  I might not get to y'all until mid-day.  Time will tell.

Let's move on past this insipidness, shall we ?

Due to the way in which the trip to Cape Cod ended [kidney stone, hospitalization, surgeries, etc.] I never got to share much with you about that week.  As far as I know, MJ never downloaded the pics, so perhaps those will come at a later time.  Since I'm quite tired / off this morning, I'll just take brief note of a couple of memories that come readily to mind.

1.] Jim [Dad] Feldbauer:  To hear him laugh so often and so heartedly was incredible, to me at least.   For MJ and GK to have gone four decades with little acknowledgement from him, the sound of Jim's laughter still astounds and delights us every time we hear it.

2.] Jim [Dad] Feldbauer:  One morning some of us were having morning coffee on the deck, discussing what each of us might be doing that day, when out of the kitchen we hear Jim singing.  [He has a really good voice BTW.]  All talk ceased on the deck, we seemed to non-verbally agree that this was a "moment" to cherish.  Words cannot begin to express how closely we still hold those moments in our heart[s].  Thanks for the gift, God.

3.] Jimmy [brother] Feldbauer:  Most of you know "The Story" of our involvement or lack thereof, with MJ's family.  Keeping that history in mind,  MJ [the eldest "child"] and Jimmy [the youngest "child"] are still getting to know one another.  There's a little over 25 years between MJ and Jimmy.  There was one evening in particular that "the kids": MJ, Mary Jo, Kate and Jimmy were sharing stories of their youth at 7 Martin Street.  What a fascinating evening.  Jimmy, being a quarter of century younger than MJ, seemed intrigued at the youth that MJ had experienced, compared to his own.  They were some things that both had gone through [The Bell] but even more that they both found different, yet quite informative.
   As we all sat there on the deck, I was overtaken by the fact that any of this was actually happening.  MJ and I had been the "Israelites" [40 years in the desert] for so long, that the family trip to Cape Cod was like a dream sequence from which one hoped we'd never wake up.  There were many moments like this throughout that week.  A blessing for which one can never thanks God enough, ya know.  And when I stop to think how much that week meant to MJ, the tears of gratefulness still flow.

Here's a song that I can easily see being on my mind come January or February 2018.  I dedicate it to all who went on the Cape Cod trip but especially to: 

Michael - Mary Jo - Kate - Jimmy.

This is it for now folks, am getting tired, believe it or not.

*******   *******   *******

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

TUESDAY, August 22, 2017
[ Yesterday's TDL grade:  D * ]
Today's W8:  240
Mood:  Cautiously optimistic

Today's T.D.L.
Bible through Jeremiah, chapter 7
Devotions and Prayers
Study Scripture for 8/27 church, plan music and send hymn list to Vanessa
Begin break-down of St. John's upcoming choral season.

Bring it back to where it was yesterday when we finished
Continue with list from yesterday that didn't get done, as concerns the kitchen and laundry.
MJ told me not to move things around, he will do it this evening.  Hmmm.

Begin pick-up in living room 


So yesterday, what happened?  I was shocked at how tired I became doing the simplest danged things.  Those of you who said perhaps the list was too much for the first day were correct.  I got everything at the top of the list completed, but did not get kitchen dust mopped or [obviously] wet mopped either.  And no laundry folded and put away, let alone more washed.  Hence I gave myself a D for yesterday  [just short of an F = Failure].

I have listened to all of you, especially the fact that perhaps we are not 22 years seasoned anymore, but this still drives me up a wall.  Oh the things I used to be able to accomplish in one day.  Now it all seems but a wet dream gone bad.   Infuriating indeed.

But the point is to "Keep On Keeping On", no matter how discouraging things may seem.

I have been God-gifted with some of the BEST family and friends ever [that would be y'all] and their encouragement will fuel me forward during the times when [perhaps] my own gas can is running low.

Pat Weber mentioned to me recently, a book entitled:  You Are A Badass: How To Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life   authored by Jen Sincero .  I checked it out [on Amazon] and ordered it ASAP.  I could have gotten it for my Kindle, but certain books ya kind of just KNOW you need to hold in your hand as a "real" book.   This book has left [and continues to leave] a vast imprint on Patty's life.  Her recommendation inspired me to order a copy for myself.  Highlighters, pencils and pens are all ready to go.  Thanks PAT.  I will keep y'all posted once the book arrives tomorrow late afternoon.

Did you happen to take note of yesterday's w8 VS today's w8?   That was a bit of a shocker.  Last time I was that "low" was July 19th = slightly over a month ago.  Interesting.

This is enough for now. 
Perhaps I'll check in with y'all later; perhaps not 

*******   *******   *******

Monday, August 21, 2017

Monday, August 21st, 2017
W8:  245
Mood:  Anticipatory

Bible through Jeremiah Chapter 4
Devotions & Prayers
Check in with Lose, record weight. 1733 cals is my caloric limit.

Do dishes from last 3 days, wash, dry and put away.
Pick up rest of kitchen, clear countertops of anything that shouldn't be there.
Note: Since kitchen is also our "bathroom" there are towels, washcloths, toiletries, etc. all over. Remember Greg you do have a "solution" for most/some of that, but will need MJ's help moving some things; no lifting for a while.
Dust mop / Vacuum kitchen, then mop. 

Fold and put away the clean clothes in the white basket and the ones still in the dryer.
Sort and continue the E.W.  [Eternal Wash].

Paulie:  It's a gray and stormy morning with some thunder.  Will need to comfort Paulie more than usual as he detests thunder.

If I get through [just] the things listed above, I would be content with that as a beginning.
Am so very tempted to continue the list for today with a few "add-ons"
knowing me, if I don't accomplish them, I will see that in my mind/heart as failure.
I look at myself enough [as it is] as a "schmuck",
really not a good thing to add to that feeling.

GGC read all of your comments this morning.
Cannot thank you enough.

*******   *******   *******

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Brief Health Update, followed by the body of this Blog post:  Had 5th surgery in 4 months on Friday, 8/18.  All went well, home same day.  Dr. Naga used laser on stone [going up same "road"].  We think we got it all, but still being highly observant.  Also there is still a stent in urinary track to be removed at some point.   Will see Dr. Naga this week as well as Dr. Rummell.  Need to re-schedule appt.'s in Rochester with Dr. Jennifer Ellis, as we had to cancel those tests and check-ups due to the kidney stone.  And then we still have the bursa on the knee that needs to be cauterized so it stops filling up with fluid constancy.  Dr. Axtell will do that as out-patient surgery at JMH.  No biggie.  Now, moving on from all that boringness . . . . . . .

I am composing this for my own self-clarification,
read at your own risk.
One of the things that drives me most crazy[er] on a daily basis is:

I'm 63+ years seasoned.

I should not be ending day after week after month after year
good intentions.

The simplest of goals unmeant.

The easiest of chores undone.

This fact leaves me feeling:

Of course those thoughts lead one to think of oneself as
The Biggest
ever allowed upon the face of the earth.
[There are people who would sign an affidavit in agreement with that statement.]

there are the sayings meant to help us
not to feel so poorly:

Give me a break.

It hasn't always been this way.

As stated in a recent KASIYH Blog post, I used to be "on top" of nearly everything here at "The Palace".  The things I could get done in a day were amAzing , nothing short of miraculous according to the current Loser lifestyle.  

So this begs the question: 
When and why did all of this change?

I cannot for the life of me pinpoint an actual date/time/place, rather it seems to have happened insidiously over time; worsening by microscopic increments, day after day.

In 2000 all looks fine.  W8 is low, exercising daily, health good, eating good, healthy foods, writing Christmas Show and directing St. Mary's Choir and the Camelot Choraleers, house is clean and uncluttered always, life is good.

In 2005 things are somewhat the same, except we have added being Drama Adviser at GVCS to the docket of our lives and almost simultaneously were fired from St. Mary's by Fr. Mancuso, both occurring in September of 2004. 

In 2010 there seem to have been some changes.  Body is still relatively slim, still able to exercise but emotionally life took some unexpected turns.  Most memorable is a disappointing [to me] departure of some Camelot Choraleers in 2007, who then joined GVC. That hurt.  A lot.  I am thankful however that we remained friends ,,, after a time.

By 2015 life has changed a great deal.  Health is not good, can rarely do any exercising due to leg pain mostly.  Getting around doing the simplest chores was now becoming quite challenging.  The Camelot Choraleers are basically history and in autumn of 2014 I stepped down as Drama Adviser at GVCS.  Weight has risen over time, throughout 2012 we struggled to keep w8 under 200 pounds, in fact failed the last 4 days of that year.  By the end of the following year [2013] w8 was up to 230 pounds.  My average w8 for 2014 was 235.5 pounds, BUT in 2015 w8 average went "down" to 225 and 3/4  pounds.   August 3rd of 2015 we dismantled the bathroom, never expecting it to remain the same today as it was then.  [ Soon to be rectified.]

2016 and 2017 brought on more intense health challenges.  We put of the leg repair [as you well know] until April 24th of this year.  Things did not go perfectly.  L-o-n-g  healing process,,,just as that situation was much better,,,the kidney stone saga kicked in.

In taking the time to write this all down I can see various instances that appear to have a bearing on where I am today = Loserville.
It would seem that the health issues are primary, but I do NOT want to use those concerns as a "free pass" to stay in Loserville forever forward.  Period.  And as regular readers realize, I deala great deal with that incredible D.o.D [Demon of Despair] on a regular basis.  Hate him.

Is there anything that I do on a regular basis that still makes me happy due to my dedication to the same?  Yes indeed.  Still read my Bible through each and every year, what a Blessing!  Still in regular touch with my, as well as following, my Boss, a Jewish Carpenter who gave His life for mine.  Still deeply involved with church attendance, membership, as well as the music ministry.  Of those things I boast not, but remain thankful that He remains the Center of my life.

So I MUST get back on track here at the palace.  But how?  Since I have always been a "list-y" person, that's a good place to start.  However I already do that and seem to accomplish very little on that list.


Beginning tomorrow
I plan to
share with you the plans I have for the day.
I may
[or may not]
add to that my w8 for the day.

I did so well when I reported to you my w8 each day.
My w8 headed downward.

Then I quit reporting to you
instead used that time to eat.
[ Comfort food? ]

If you took the time to read all of this,

I feel better just having written it all down,
can see where some life-changes occurred
now can
move forward.

I need to
what kind of friends
read this Blog,
you will encourage me.

See you in the morning!

*******   *******   *******

Monday, August 14, 2017

This current health challenge has been
[and continues to be]

Making it even more necessary than usual
to keep the following
in the forefront of my mind:

   Long story short, this all began last Tuesday night [8/8/17] whilst we were at Cape Cod.  Little did I know that when I had my morning "constitutional" that it was to be my last one for five and a half days.  Tuesday eve was Jimmy and Steph's "Taco Night" [which were delicious BTW] followed by some liquid refreshments. By early morn on Wed. [ 2:00am ? ] I was very ill.  My right kidney area hurt, dry heaves, perfuse sweating, etc.  It passed after a couple of hours or so [thank God].   Wednesday we went to "heaven" = the JFK Museum in Hyannis, MA.  [More about this at a later time, but most of you KNOW of my obsession with JFK and the Kennedy's ! ]. Wednesday eve the family celebrated Kate's 46th birthday with lobsters and steak and all kinds of goodies.  ! Wow !   However, come the middle of the night, I was very ill again = same deal.  And Thursday [ during the night was the same, with each "bout" lasting longer and longer, but by now thw pain radiated around front also, making us wonder if it was kidney or the Crohns disease] .  We had already decided to not wait until Saturday to leave [original plan = to go back to Jimmy's and Steph's to spend the night with the fam, then come home on Sunday ], but rather to leave early Friday morning.  [Mary Jo, Jim and Dad left then also.]
   We left Friday at 6:35 A.M. and arrived at our home in Belmont at 3:35 p.m.   Two hours later we were on our way to Jones Memorial Hospital's E.R. with excruciating pain.  I will state here that although JMH did a great job later on, the first two hours I was in TREMENDOUS PAIN with nothing to counteract it.  It was discovered that I had a large kidney stone that would not pass itself as it was totally blocking the right kidney:  11 and 1/2 mm by 6 mm.  By the time I was officially admitted the drug Dilaudid was no longer touching the pain, so they tried a drug called Tramadol,,, and it worked [thank you Jesus!].  Saturday afternoon I had surgery which involved going up the penis [sorry Donna Holmes ], into the urinary tract, to place stents in order to unblock the right kidney for [at least ] some relief.  I was able to come home Saturday evening.
   SUNDAY was a whole new world.  The pain in the kidney showed up at times AND now pain also in the area they had chosen as their "path" to reach the urinary tract AND still no bowel movement since the previous Tuesday early morning.  Welllllll, we did everything you can think of and f--i--n--a--l--l--y  at 5:00P.M. the "gate" opened to passage.  [Will spare further details.]  
   However, last night [Sunday night] was still very painful [I stayed up all night ] and by morning I was contemplating picking out my casket on .  Michael was on the phone asap calling all kinds of Dr.'s, etc. [ including the kidney stone hotline via U of R in Rochester = who knew? ]  Dr. Naga [who did Saturday's surgery and is GREAT ] and his office staff were TREEE-MEN-DOUS.  So far, so good.  Pain is minimal with a combo [ at variating times ] of the Tramadol and Hydrocodone .  Yes, I'm being very cautious, not to worry folks.


The Doctor wants to go back up the route he went previously in order to laser the "Rock of Gibraltar" rather than to risk the "blasting tank" method and possibly not break it apart enough.  I'm all for that as I am the one who must pass the danged thing.  I've had numerous kidney stones over the decades but have ALWAYS been able to grit my teeth and pass them.  With this one that's not an option.
   This event is scheduled for Friday morning in St. James Hospital in Hornell.  PRAYERS APPRECIATED.

  But as of this writing, the pain is minimal , , , now to get through Tuesday AND Wednesday and Thursday AND to FRIDAY.......

*******   *******   *******

Thursday, August 3, 2017



Remember us saying that our current "fur baby" Paulie Pinkerton McPoodle would be our final "fur baby"?  Welllllll, we might re-think that decision.  Might.

   As regular KASIYH Blog readers know, I watch quite a few crime series as well as read many true crime books [ usually on my Kindle ].  Even though Paulie is annoying with his "yipping" sometimes, he IS good at hearing ANY thing unusual around here.  Am thinking that we might miss that security if we chose to be without a fur baby once Paulie passes to Rainbow Bridge [hopefully many moons from now].  All these crimes that are committed as couple sleep freak me out just a bit.  Rather doubt [not saying it couldn't happen] that that would happen to us  as we slept  because Paulie would wake us up immediately if he hears anything untoward. 

   You have to know that even though Paulie looks like this:

He sees himself as:

We sometimes jokingly refer to him as
"Roddie the Rottweiler"

Paulie is not in any way, shape or form "mean"
but he is alert and protective at all times.

He sleeps right between us
usually leaning on one or the other of us
sometimes he makes sure he is touching both of us as he sleeps.
[ He did this last night ]

   So since [hopefully] we have a lot of time to think this through, that's where my mind is right now.  And IF we did decide on another "fur-baby" I have publically stated that MJ can have a German Shepherd if he so desires. 

   We've always had smaller dogs but MJ had a Shepherd as a kid [Princey]

if he wants one in his later time of "seasoning", so be it.

for the moment.

*******   *******   *******

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 23, 2017 [ Yesterday's  TDL  grade:  Incomplete ] Today's w8:   238 Mood: Yesterday was not a Red Lette...