Thursday, October 5, 2017

   Most probably I should not be writing this post today, but it seems to be the only "out" I can currently think of.

   D.o.D. is here big time. [that Demon of Despair = depression ].    I have absolutely nothing on earth to be depressed about., in fact just the opposite.  HOW can this be happening to me?  Why?

   If you've never battled with depression, count your blessings.  I'm not speaking about situational depression, but rather depression that seems to last and Last and LAST , , , even on "happier" days that damned DoD still lurks around the corner, constantly stalking you, seeking an entrance to your mind.

   I want to go back to bed but know [from past experience] that such a move would worsen what is presently occurring.  Best to keep doing  something  rather than to be still and have  "those thoughts" run rampart in my mind.

   Today those thoughts are all about how this world would be just as good, probably better, sans me.  Usually the thoughts are:  "WHY was I ever born, failure that I have always been?"   But today it's more a questioning of "Why continue to exist at all?"    I don't believe I am suicidal, just filled with negative thoughts about my life and non-accomplishments thereof.    Having just written those last few lines, I can see that my thoughts are worsening somewhat over time [with every attack of DoD ?].

   Looking back, I can see that this has been coming on for at least a few days.  I've told MJ that I am having a difficult time "getting my Greg 'on' " as of late.  More often than not I can put my "Greg on" as needed, even if it is just an act  [Good for you Drama Director/Coach, following your own advice = "Become your character!"].  But the last few days, nearly impossible to do.  If I double up on certain meds, I can do it [ or almost ] but then I end up not sleeping for 48-72 hours and that's a heavy price to pay for just appearing as "Greg".

"Round like a circle never ending, like a wheel within a wheel"

  I'll get past this, I always do.  Yet for the moment it appears endless, simply without end.  And at times like this I think: "So what if you get 'through this', there's just another battle with DoD around the corner!"



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